This week your Frenzied SLPs are exploring the "things SLPs should NEVER say." Many thanks to Laura of All Y'all Need and Sparklle SLP for their behind the scenes work to keep the Frenzied SLPs organized! I am taking a tongue in cheek look at this topic because goodness knows I can't take myself too seriously! Without further ado I present the top 10 things an SLP should NEVER, EVER, EVER say at a parent conference.
10. Yes, Mrs. Smith, it is oppressively hot in my un-windowed speech closet. If you would like I will call down to the lobby and ask the concierge to turn on the air conditioning and bring you an icy lemonade.
9. Before we start our conference, I'd like to explain some terms you should be familiar with in order to truly understand the reevaluation process. Please know that as our educational zeitgeist morphs, new buzzwords will be added to the edu-speak lexicon that promise to confound you. Simply retrieve these terms from your mind palace and you will be all set. Please inform me at the outset if you have any difficulty sustaining attention, because I have a plethora of pharmacological suggestions to assist you. You can query your primary care physician about them. Don't worry our school nurse will do an ACTeRS scale to monitor your response to the meds as well as to establish a baseline. BTW, I only use this jargon (that likely sounds like Klingon to you), to demonstrate that I am highly trained in the most current and evidence based methods and in no way want you to feel uncomfortable or ignorant.
8. Gifted Schmifted
7. I agree, I agree. Our schools are failing our students and CCSS are for the birds. These kids don't know Diddley. Why, just the other day I was thinking I need to spend more time on the practical. You know things like nose blowing, drug prevention education, RAK. I will be sure to fit that in right after lessons on manners. It has become quite clear that we as educators are not doing enough to create a moral foundation in our students. In fact, I say, "The heck with math and reading!"
6. You hag!
5. I do understand, Mrs. Jones. It IS everybody else's fault!
4. Just a couple of thoughts. I would suggest both soap AND water for hand washing.
No, I don't think the hands or shirt sleeves should be used. Yes, the tissue does go in the trash not on my desk. Lastly, and this is quite important, if Sally has a raging fever and a racking cough, please, she should STAY HOME!
3. Absolutely, I technically work until 3:30 each day and only ten months out of the year. Shall we reevaluate my pay to correlate more closely with what I "work?" To be conservative here, we won't include before or after school hours or that pesky 30 minute lunch, so let's say you pay me by the hour for the students I see daily. How is $3.00 an hour for 5 hours per day? That is $15.00 times the 25 students that come in and out of my room on any given day which brings us to $375.00 per day. It's true I only work 180 days per year, so that is $67,500.00 per year. Not bad! Shouldn't I consider my Master's degree and 33 years experience? In that case, I really deserve minimum wage which is $7.25. Okay, now we have $36.25 a day times 25 cherubs ($906.25) times 180 days ($163,125.00) My word, I totally should get minimum wage!!
2. I have done considerable testing with little Johnny and have gathered a wealth of information. Rather than overwhelm you with the minutia I have decided to just cut to the chase. Apple...tree!
1. A longer school year and day? What the ...?
It's probably a good thing I never went into stand up comedy and that I have an intact filter!